Is Acceptance the Way Through?
There is a LOT right now.
Most people I speak with are really going through it in some area of their lives.
Loss, suffering, uncertainty, fear, doubt, confusion, upheaval, frustration, fatigue, boredom . . .
Things not going how we planned.
What is one to do with unwelcome circumstances?
Often, we fight them.
We resist them with all our might–often being pretty mean to ourselves along the way.
We judge ourselves. Wonder what’s wrong with us. Work ourselves to the bone.
But here’s the zinger: What we RESIST, persists.
I see over and over again with my clients: acceptance IMPROVES our ability to change our lives and reduces suffering.
It is ridiculously counter-intuitive.
The way forward is by accepting what IS.
I can already hear you saying, “but if I ACCEPT something, doesn’t that mean that I am fine with the way things are? Because I’m NOT. Doesn’t acceptance mean that I will stop improving, stop trying, accept the status quo . . . turn into a lazy, worthless slug of a human being?
You’re worried about complacency.
You’re worried that acceptance means giving up or letting others down.
Hear me: it does NOT.
Acceptance is a simple acknowledgement that this is how it is right now.
Not how it might be tomorrow, or in an hour.
Because, here’s a wisdom bomb:
Acceptance is the most efficient way to change unwelcome circumstances.
Let’s break down WHY this is true:
When we are resisting a circumstance, we are putting all of our energy into fighting reality.
This leaves no energy for creative thinking, finding new avenues or creating new possibilities.
To pile on top of this energy-suck, when we resist an unwanted circumstance, we are often highly self-critical.
Self-criticism also drains our energy, our drive and our resilience.
Acceptance–on the other hand–provides welcome relief.
We connect to the common human experience and we cultivate some compassion for our plight.
Lo and behold, energy starts to return.
We start to see new possibilities.
We honor a challenging emotion rather than emotionally abandoning ourselves.
We deepen our commitment and resilience to what we want.
I learned this lesson recently.
I was resisting some unwanted circumstances like it was my JOB.
Even knowing the power of acceptance, there was ZERO percent likelihood that I was going to sit with the circumstances and actually accept what was going on.
I hated what was going on.
I was so frustrated, so scared and so down on myself.
I was fighting tooth and nail to change the circumstances without acknowledging what IS: that I had not met two life goals that are very important to me - after investing copious time, money, emotion and energy into them.
Thankfully, I have wise support systems in place and both my coach and my therapist encouraged me to practice some acceptance.
I rolled my eyes and made myself do it.
Remarkably quickly, I felt better.
I had more energy, hope and felt lighter.
Then, rather miraculously, I achieved one of the two life goals I had been suffering over.
Coincidence? Not sure.
Magic? Definitely.
Here’s how to do it:
Think of an unwanted circumstance that is hard for you right now - it could be anything. Hold it in your mind.
Speak to yourself as if you were a dear friend, while taking three deep breaths: “I allow this circumstance to be as it is right now”
Notice and name your emotions around the unwanted circumstance (frustration, anger, hurt, fear, etc). While noticing what is bothering you, simply feel your feelings around it.
Speaking to yourself kindly, take three deep breaths and repeat to yourself: “I allow my emotions to be as they are right now.”
Last, connect to common humanity by saying something to yourself like, “People all over the world feel this way in these situations.”
Put this practice on your fridge, in your office, in your bathroom. Somewhere where you will see it often.
Try it for a week.
See what shifts.
